Breaking news; Bush just announced that the United States is in a recession! Holy shit! Really? Just were did Bush get that idea? Bush has been saying for the last 2 years that our economy was in a slight "down turn." Slight down turn? So where has Bush been for the last 3 years?

Oh, OK, he was reading books to school children. Reminds me of something that happened a few years back. By the way, notice the position of his book. More breaking news; President Bush is illiterate!

Hi, how are you?

I'm sure that everybody hears this statement at least once if not several times a day, "how are you?". How are you!?! I wonder how many people actually want to know how the person that they are asking is really doing. I mean, do they really want to know about the person's problem with irritable bowel syndrome? Or about the person's daughter that is a crack whore? I would like to try an experiment. The next time someone asks me how I'm doing I am going to answer them honestly. Example, "How are you today Amani?", "Oh, not to good Bob, I ate some bad Mexican food last night and I have horrible gas and explosive diarrhea." I want to know how many people that ask me how I am doing honestly want to know. I encourage all of you to do the same. Come on folks, we all know that we could stand a little more honesty in the world. Let's not lie anymore when people ask how we are doing.

Have a safe flight!

Have you ever wondered why people say "Have a safe flight?" I have. Do these people really understand how little control the passanger has in how safe the flight is? Believe me, if the passangers had any control over how safe the flight was I would not fly. There are a lot of crazies out there and at anytime one of them might decide to make a dive. I mean just imagine a husband and wife flying together and they get into an arguement: "Keep it up Alice and I'm gonna fly right into those mountains!" or "You scumbag, you slept with my best friend!" Not a good scenario. So, let's leave it up to the pilots to make it a safe flight. I suggest that the next time a family member or friend tells you to have a safe flight that you tell them to call the pilot and tell her or him to have a safe flight. I mean really that is where the real control lies.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN PLANE CRASHES:

1. Stinging from bees/wasps



2. Slipping on ice or snow



3. Choking on food



4. Falling down stairs or off ladders

And did you know that 600 Americans are killed every year from falling out of bed. Have a safe sleep!

Tierra del Puerto or Soggy Lesbians or Good Luck Rae!

I have a friend named Rachael (Squirty Dumpling). She is from Portland. Rachael has taught me a few things about Portland that are very interesting. She tells me that Portland is not always cold. I have always heard that Portland was cold and rainy all of the time. Rachael did confirm that it does rain a lot. Also she told me that Portland has one of the largest concentrations of lesbians in the country. Huh... very interesting. Thanks Rae, I feel like a much better person knowing these things. Poor Rachael has to go back to bleak cold Portland. I am lucky to live in sunny warm West Michigan. I'm glad I don't have to live with all of those soggy lesbians; but Rachael does though. Good luck Rae!

Obsessive Compulsive's Guide to Hand Washing

Ok folks, do you really need somebody to tell you when to wash your hands? I mean, wasn't your mamma supposed to do that when you were a kid. Well if she didn't I have posted the below (from the great Kent County Health Department's website) for all you that were not properly educated.

It is important to wash your hands at the following times:
Starting work	Eating or drinking
Preparing food	Preparing food
Serving food	Visiting the restroom
Eating	Assisting a child in restroom
Dressing an injury	Dressing an injury
Taking a medication	Coughing or sneezing
	Wiping a child’s nose
	Changing diapers

So there you go. The complete Obsessive Compulsive Disorder's guide to hand washing. Do you really need someone to tell you that you should wash your hands after you change a shitty diaper or get done dressing an injury? Hmmm... I wonder if I should wash my hands now that I am done lancing that boil off that homeless man? I mean really? And are really supposed to go and wash our hands every time we cough? Come on, I'm a smoker, I cough like 50 times a day. If followed the advice of the Kent County Health Commission I would have raw bleeding stumps where my hands used to be.

After looking through some photos on the internet of raw bleeding stumps I came up with a really good one. I was gaging when Rachael asked me what I was doing. I told her about the photo I had found. She suggested that I just tell y'all that I found some gross photos of stumps. Ok, here you go Rachael!

Hotta than a Mama Jama

You've heard it said that if you don't like the weather in Michigan just wait 5 minutes. Well, what a day it has been today in Michigan. This morning it was almost chilly and by midday it was about 85 degrees. WHEW! And boy was I happy to get home to my wife's list of chores for me to do. What a lucky man I am. It was alright though, I lost about 10lbs in water weight, got a head ache, and hurt my back carrying all the damn air conditioners up from the basement. Hell of a day. Tomorrow should be cool though, I hear we have a moderate chance of some really wicked thunderstorms! SWEET! I love thunderstorms.

This photo was taken after our thunderstorm today.

Wacko Postings

Why don't my blog entries look the way that I type them? Could somebody please tell me. I have tried to edit some of them because the line spacing is all wacko. Speaking of "wacko." I am so sick of the damn tabloids messing with Michael Jackson and calling him Wacko Jacko. I mean, give it a freakin break already. I hate that name anyway, "Wacko Jacko." The freakin pretentious British gave him that nick name. How do some of these "reporters" think they would handle things if every damned step they took was scrutenized by thousands of people. Maybe they should try living through what Michael Jackson has and see if they aren't a little "off." Leave the dude alone. Probably the same punk reporters that are writing about all of his weird activities are the same punks that begged their mommies to buy them the red leather jackets with all the zippers in it back in the 80's (man those were sweet). I mean we all loved Michael back in the day, now that we are all "grown up" we want to slam the dude. Freakin reporters anyway.

Super F'ing Mario Bros.

I found a great site called virtualnes.com. This is not a good thing. I was so excited when I found it. This site has every single game that NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) ever put out! I have been stuck on Super Mario Bros. for a while now. I have to admit something once and for all... I have never beat Super Mario Bros. with out a cheat in my life! There, I got it off my chest, I feel so much better now. Really, I suck at video games. I feel like I am right back where I was when I was 12 trying like hell to beat that damned game. I am stuck at level 8-3. I just can't get past it. I don't want a cheat, I just want to beat it one time on my own. Then I think I can stop playing it, and move on to another game. There aren't very many games that I have beat without a cheat. I think I beat Kung-Fu. Umm... that's about it. I am not a big "gamer." I have a PS2, but I just haven't really gotten into video games like I was when I had an NES. So for all you folks that grew up playing on the NES, this is your website. But be warned, you may find yourself spending more time than is healthy for a 30+ year old person to spend on video games.

Uncle Sam Wants YOU (to kill people)!

Travel the world, see exotic lands, experience new cultures, meet interesting people and kill them!

What happened to the old days of posters of Uncle Sam? Now you see these adds on TV for the military and they show like video game simulated battle scenes.

I can just imagine some nut job that sits in his mom's basement playing the latest WWII game when he decides to take a TV break only to see an add for the US Army. "Wow, dude, that is like one kick ass video game."

Because as we all know, joystick skills translate easily to real machine guns and rifles. They may need to start a draft, because by the looks of their marketing, the Army is scaping the bottom of the barrel. Maybe some scenes from beautiful tropical Iraq would intrest those in need of a vacation?

There is a new drug on the market to help people suffering from Restless Leg Syndrom (RLS). The drugs name is Requip, or ropinirole. I first heard about this drug on a TV commercial. I couldn't believe what I heard.

Of course the drug had all of the same types of side effects that most other drugs have; you know, nausea, dizziness, fainting, sweating, pretty "normal" side effects for most prescription medication. But here is where it gets weird (this is straight from the Requip website):

Some patients taking ropinirole have shown urges to behave in a way unusual for them. Examples of this are an unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges and/or behaviors. If you or your family notices that you are developing any unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor.
Hallucinations (unreal sounds, visions, or sensations) have been reported in patients taking Requip. These were uncommon in patients taking Requip for RLS. The risk is greater in patients with Parkinson’s disease who are elderly, taking Requip with L-dopa, or taking higher doses of Requip than recommended for RLS.

WTF? That's all I have to say (ok, you know better than that by now, I guess that's not all I have to say). I mean, what is RLS? RLS is a disease, again from the Requip website:

RLS is a neurological movement condition characterized by a strong, compelling urge to move the legs, often accompanied by leg twitching and uncomfortable, sometimes painful, sensations in the legs.

Is RLS bad enought that people would end up sex crazed maniacs, shooting craps in a back alley with a couple of hookers and a 40 of malt liquor? Let's take a look at that scene:

Not pretty! So, you've been warned. I think I'd live with some sleepless nights rather than a life of the above!

What is the world coming to? I think I have asked that in one of my previous posts. Ok, so I heard from one of my good friends (hi Amy!) that they shot a cougar in Chicago. http://http//www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351337,00.html What? I have heard stories of wolves, and other predators moving into the cities, but a freakin mountain lion? I have a theory. Yes, I have a theory. So over the last 30+ years we have all been hearing more stories about wild animals coming into the cities around the US. And, over the last 30+ more and more folks have been trying to "save" the environment, and trying to help out the populations of these animals all over the country. Coincidence? I think not! The more cougars and shit there are, the more are going to move into the city. So the next time you are strolling in your nice safe neighborhood in the city and you get mauled by a freakin grizzly bear, blame the damn hippies. There is another theory that as the cities and suburbia grow it is forcing the wildlife to adapt to living in these urban environments and also being forced into the cities to scavenge for food because their natural habitats are being taken up by subdivisions and strip malls (oh, and Chili's). This theory should not be trusted because it was devised by hippies who only want to save nature so they have more room to grow marihuana. This devil weed was found growing in West Virginia. Save the environment my ass! Hippies won't be happy until your baby is smoking weed and then getting eaten by a damn wild boar.

The Horror that is THE HUNGER WALK

So I was hanging out at my house today and I saw a bunch of people walking by all wearing white shirts. I figured they must be walking to raise money for some good cause. So Lily (my daughter) and I waved and said good morning to all of the folks that passed by. That's when it happened. I saw what their shirts said; and I was appalled. The Hunger Walk? What has our world come to? I mean, these people actually support hunger? Apparently these folks are walking to raise money for the Republican Party. That's the only thing I can think of that makes any sense. Because as we all know, whenever a Republican gets elected more people go hungry. Is hunger something we should support? Is Dick DeVos or even Dick Cheney things we should support (notice both of their names start with "DICK")? Only dicks think hunger is good. Do you think hunger is good? Let's see what hunger is:

Photographs and Ipecac

Photographs and ipecac, Christmas cards you sent to me. Ah ipecac, that magic elixir of love. Nothing spells romance like a gourmet meal, a nice bottle of vintage red, and a serving of... yep, you guessed it, ipecac! There is a new trend in Japanese youth culture were young couples are going out and binging at fancy restaurants and then downing ipecac to induce vomiting. The is even and emerging subculture of high end restaurants that are springing up all over Tokyo and other large cities in Japan that offer servings of the elixir to couples after meals. The couples are then welcome to vomit in private vomitoriums located in the rear of the restaurants. Don't assume the vomitoriums are anything like restrooms, no these are plush rooms with showers, day beds and mirrors everywhere. Couples that are too weak after their experiences can request to be driven home or to their hotels. Could this trend make it's way into Europe and even here to America. Already couples from Europe and the US are traveling to Japan to have a chance to experience this strange new phenomena themselves. There is little doubt that some advantageous business person will bring this back to their home country.

Sorry folks, due to recent complaints that my photos of young Japanese kids in love are too disgusting I was forced to remove the photos. Some bitter old people can't stand to see happy young people in love.

So my blogs aren't funny?

Well, somebody (I won't mention your name Amy) today told me that they thought my blog would be a lot funnier than it is (sorry Amy, I mean somebody). She or he reminded me that I sent them a funny message on Myspace. Something about stuff in Spanish and chicken feet. Lo siento! You want chicken feet and people speaking espanol, then go over to the Roosevelt Market. Ochos huevos, vatos!

Blogging is hard

Well, blogging turned out harder than I had originally thought it would be. I mean, I don't always have the dang computer with me. I don't always have a pad of paper with me. Maybe I should carry around a little notepad that I can put down all my thoughts in when I'm going about my day. I mean I just come up with random shit all the time. Usually my random thoughts have something to do with goats or chickens or sex. I think I am going through a second puberty. I don't know what is going on with me. I am usually a pretty "ready" guy, but lately I am really "ready." My wife thinks I am crazy, and we just had a baby a while ago. My freakin' libido is out of control. I feel bad for her, but she's a good sport.

Everybody poops

Poop is funny. Guys think that their poop is pretty cool. I know that when I take an interesting one I am very impressed. I want to show the world. Jen (my wife) used to be easy to trick and come and look at it. But now, she knows better. Now I have to make shit up to trick her into coming into the bathroom to look at it. I'll be like "ahh! I fell down, I'm hurt, come help me!" Then I'll get between her and the door and in our bathroom there is not much room and she ends up seeing the poop in the toilet. She's all like "that's really why you wanted me to come in here isn't it?" And I'm all like "but look at it, I mean look how huge it is, and see that right there, that's dinner from last night, and..." You get the point. Maybe it is gross, but I look at it as an artform. I mean, I created something. I gave birth to it. Sometimes labor can be quite extensive depending on how many salads I have been eating. Ok, I'll stop talking about poop now.

The Young Indian Jones

Oh River Phoenix, why did tho have to leave us so prematurely? I remember you in Stand By Me, and Indiana Jones. I remember all of the posters in the girls lockers at school. Ok, so I never was a huge fan of River Phoenix, but he was very talented, and I really loved quite a few of his movies. Of course though I was always jealous of all the girls that were so in love with him. And poor me with my Coke bottle glasses, was left with out a girlfriend. Did I blame River, well sometimes, but I also blamed The New Kids on the Block too. I was having a conversation with a friend today and she did not know who River Phoenix was. So googled him and came up with the Wikipedia article on him. I had forgotten how many good movies he was in, and how young he had died. 23! I mean when I was 23 I was having a good time, young, married and in love, going to school, just having an all around blast. What a tragedy to throw that all away. What could have been for River? The world will never know. Rest in peace River Jude Bottom.

Mormons

So do polygamists ever decide that they have too many wives? Who decides how many wives the guys can have? How many wives would I want? Yes, these are the things I think about when I am trying to sleep at night. Some days I don't really think that I would want anymore wives. I mean you know when women get together and they start bitching about their asshole husbands, well with Mormons they would all be talking about me... and that would suck. But on the other hand... ok, ahh...

Life, death, and in between

I found out today that my uncle that has lung cancer may decide to stop treatment. The chemo that he has been receiving has been making him so sick that he can't eat or do much of anything. He is supposed to find out on Tuesday if the treatments are working and if not he has decided to quit all together. How does somebody make that decision? How do you decide that it is time for you to go? He told his wife and children this just the other day. Makes me look at my pack of Camels in a whole new way...

BREAKING NEWS! Dick shot his friend!

Dick, Dick, Dick Cheney. He sucks. Plus he shot his friend. How good of a vice president can he be if he shot his own friend? Not very good I think. I saw a bumper sticker today that said "War In Iraq keeps American families safe." WTF? Since when does war ever make anybody safe. Violence begets violence. The person also had a cross hanging from their rear view mirror. Soooo... I wrote the person a note reminding them that Jesus said to love our neighbors and our enemies (I added "not bomb the hell out of them."). I know that the person probably just got pissed off and waded the note up and threw it away, but writing that note gave me a sense of satisfaction.

Parenting

No one can survive parenting. All parents die in the end. Some folks think it is sad that after mating some insects die. The baby insect grows until it is ready to live on it's own. It will grow up and mate and die also. Really is that so bad? I mean, mating is really fun. And then you die. I think that's how I want to go.

Goats

I love goats. They are such playful animals. I am very playful. I am an animal. Therefore, I am a goat. I used to have a nickname, it was Goatboy. I had a goatee. I at a lot of stuff. And I liked to play. Some folks say that a he goat is a very smelly thing. They are large and hairy. I am large and hairy. If I don't shower, and it is hot, I too am a very smelly thing. This is all I have to say about goats for now. Check back later for more information on art, politics, social issues, world issues, and goats.