Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Spring's a Comin'!

Well folks spring has finally sprung in Michigan! It has been a long hard winter for us folks in the north country, but warmer days and sunshine are on the horizon! Before you know it we will be only shoveling every other day, instead of everyday. Temperatures will rise from 10 degrees to a sultry 30 degrees. And parkas? Put them away and don your 3-in-1 ski jackets (you know a mild morning in March can end in a 4pm blizzard). In celebration of the spring season I have decided to remove one bag of salt (of the 200lbs) from the back of my truck. Yes, I am a hopeless optimist. Of course I used the bag I removed to salt my driveway in preparation for the impending ice storm.
Winter Scene in West Michigan

Sunny spring day in West Michigan
As I am writing this, we are experiencing a lovely ice/sleet mix. I can just about see some brightness in the sky where the sun was in August last year. Wow! It's time to get some new shades! My eyes are not used to this!
Typical "Michigan Eyes"

Monday, February 21, 2011

Cemetery Gardens

The United States of America is going to be facing a new challenge in the coming years. A rapidly increasing population, and dwindling farm land will cause a shift in how Americans get their food. In 1980, polls show that 90% of Americans were buying meat and produce grown in the US. By 2007, polls show that only 67% of the food bought in the US was grown and produced here.

Dr. David L'Beaudoux, of New Orleans University School of Agriculture, reports that the main reason for this shift is our [US] population explosion. Growing population means more need for housing, more need for shopping centers, and more need for landfills. With the expansion of sub-urban areas, traditionally agricultural areas are being overrun by McDonald's, Walmarts, and sub-divisions.

Dr. David L'Beaudoux

Dr. L'Beaudoux states that there will not be enough farmland to support the US population by 2015. Increasing acreage is being transformed into corn and soybean production. Most of the crops grown in these operations are not fit for human consumption, but used for ethanol and food additive production. When asked what the answer to this dilemma was, Dr. L'Beaudoux pointed us in the direction of "fringe" agro-scientist, Luke Hammond.

Luke Hammond on his moisture farm.

Luke Hammond has expertise in harvesting water vapor from the atmosphere and using it to grow crops in underground hydroponic labs. He proposes that the US start utilizing the vast open areas in and around urban areas used to house postmortem individuals. Yes folks, that's right, Luke Hammond proposes that we start using graveyards to grow food. Hammond has already convinced the people of Versailles, Illinois, to do so.

Saint Marks Cathedral Cemetery/Garden in Versailles, IL

While the majority of people in the US would be horrified to find that their iceberg lettuce was grown atop Great Uncle Eddie, most admit they would be more concerned that food was being imported from "them foreigners." Dr. L'Beaudoux and Hammond, are planing on meeting with the Wayne County (Detroit, MI) board of commissioners next month for similar plans. Hammond believes that with Detroit being the murder capital of the US, they're bound to have hundreds of acres of available farmland.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Chinese Demon Spirit Captured

Authorities in Chin-Jiung Province, China, believe they have found the demon spirit Xiu-Liuong. Chinese historians report ancient texts say that around 1300BC Xiu-Liuong was a warrior that raided rural villages, stealing livestock and produce. It is said that Xiu-Liuong used the animals and produce to create giant pans of fried rice for superior demon spirits.

Above: Fried Rice

Probably the most interesting piece of the ancient tale is the belief that Xiu-Liuong was actually a young girl. As far as demon spirits in Chinese mythology go, most are adult males, or siren like adult females. Apparently this is not so for Xiu-Liuong. She is commonly depicted in paintings as a young female with dragon wings growing from her face. Legend has it that Xiu-Liuong would lie along the roadside near night fall and wait for village women to pass by. When Xiu-Liuong saw a motherly looking woman she would begin to weep and proceed to tell the woman that she was an orphan. More often than not these women would take Xiu-Liuong into their homes. At night while the families slept is when Xiu-Liuong would strike.
Above: Chinese crowd gathers to attack Xiu-Liuong

Xiu-Liuong was found working in a noodle restaurant in a old part of the city. After she was positively identified word spread quickly and many in the city gathered to kill her. Police in riot gear arrived before Xiu-Liuong could be apprehended. Chinese authorities report that they want to keep Xiu-Liuong alive long enough to find the secret to her powers. They will try to replicate her powers in order to take over the world, then they will kill her.

Above: Xiu-Liuong behind bars

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Trouble on the Border

In the last several years the discussion on Mexicans illegally entering the United States has definitely amplified. Many living on the US/Mexico border feel that the rest of the country does not understand the true issues at hand. Many complain of the crime that immigrants bring with them. Others believe that they are a strain on our already unsteady economy. Another big concern by many is the fear that immigrants take jobs away from US citizens.

One of the most outspoken on the matter is Benji Hamilton; of West Auburn, Texas. He states that many of his friends and neighbors have lost their jobs or not even been considered for positions due to the flood of immigrants into the country from Mexico. Benji states, "I am fortunate to have a very comfortable position at the Hamilton home. Many of my friends are not as lucky. Some have even been forced to live on the street and live out of dumpsters."
Above: Benji Hamilton, Below: Some of Benji's friends

Benji reports that in his town alone, there are upwards of 20 arrests per week involving illegal immigrants. He reports that his town has gone from a "nice, quiet place" to a ghetto in only a few years. One of the major concerns with the illegals is gang and drug related violence.

An illegal immigrant dressed in gang "colors"
While many Americans on the Left and the Right feel that they have the answers, one thing is sure, this problem is not going to go away anytime soon. The chihuahua has been recorded as entering the US as early as 1904. Many chihuahuas on both sides of the boarder claim that the lands of the southern US have been stolen away from them, and that the [US] government has no right to tell them that they can't be here. President Obama was asked to comment, however, the aid that we reached laughed and hung up.
Illegal immigrants fighting in the streets
Mexican street gang in La Huaraville, New Mexico

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Threat from Within

In an age where everyday we hear in the news of terrorist plots, attempts, and attacks, one has to wonder; where lies the biggest threat? I have found the answer to this question. While skimming the news a while ago I read an article about a man killed in an automobile accident after hitting a deer. Living in the northern Midwest, we read these articles on a daily basis. A thought occurred to me after reading this article; are these accidents really "accidents?"

I have since dedicated countless hours to the pursuit of truth behind deer automobile "accidents." State Farm insurance claims that there are 1.5 million auto/deer collisions each year. Our fair state of Michigan is in the top 10 U.S. states where these collisions occur. Now, let's look at Islamic Extremist Terrorists; they have been widely known to use suicide bombers to attack their enemies, isn't it fair to assume that other groups may use the same tactic?

I am talking about a little known, but very dangerous group right here in America; the radical group known to members as "The Whitetail Totalitarian Front" or WTF. I have made inside contacts with WTF. They report that they will stop at nothing less than a complete take over of the American government.
I am personally taking part in a preemptive strike against the WTF. Many others are joining the fight, and you should too. Our way of life, the American dream, Coca-Cola, and apple pie are at stake! And remember; freedom isn't free, you can purchase a combo archery/firearm license in Michigan for $30.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Really horrible coffee, or not so bad shit...

To what lengths will one go for the want of caffeine? Ok, I'll admit, I have partaken in the evil which is known as Starbucks. I am sorry every time I go too. Starbucks coffee tastes like burnt shit. Seriously, I think they try to fool people by burning the shit out of it then brewing it so people think that it's just "good strong coffee."

What you get when you buy a single cappuccino at Starbucks.

I have worked in several coffee shops and consider myself sort of a connoisseur of fine coffee. I love a strong cup of jo just as much as the next blog nerd. But Starbucks just tastes plain BURNT! So, being the compassionate, caring human being that I am, decided to take it upon myself to find out once and for all what the f*ck Starbucks does to make their coffee taste so incredibly bad.

I went straight to the source. Deep in the rain forests of the Amazon delta I found a member of the Inbineri tribe and asked him where the nearest Starbucks was. On the next block there it was; I should have known, I could smell burning rubber a mile away. I order a small cup of regular brewed coffee and took it to my good friend Emil DeParte's laboratory in Porto Velho.

"Go down right down Main Street and hang a left."

Emil ran several tests. Two days later he called me and gave me the results. To my absolute horror, Emil told me that Starbucks coffee is actually burnt goat shit. Holy f*ck! I mean I love goats, but I sure as hell am not going to drink something brewed from their excrement. Hmmm, mystery solved. Well, there you have it. When someone says, "damn this Starbucks coffee tastes like shit!" You can say, "my friend that's because it is shit."

Which one is Starbucks "coffee" and which one is real coffee?

Friday, June 26, 2009

New Research on Bumper Stickers

There is new research that suggests that bumper stickers have no effect on changing reader's opinions. Greater Mulberry Community College (GMCC) of Alabama has recently published a study in the US Journal of Journaling, that suggests that Americans waist as much as $1000 a year in catchy political and religious bumper stickers.

Phil Baxton of GMCC says "We were amazed to find that the only reaction most people have to opposing view points is anger, not enlightenment." 199 people were polled as to whether or not they read other people's bumper stickers. 98% of those polled report that they do read the bumper stickers. Of the 98%, 97% said that if they don't agree with the message they drive fast enough to pass the other vehicle and flip them the bird. The other 1% said that they rear-end the vehicle in front of them in the attempt to damage the bumper sticker enough that no other motorists have to be offended with such nonsense.

Above: Funny Bumper Sticker

Church Teaches Youth to Shoot

A story has come out of south east Tennessee today surrounding the issue of conceal and carry weapons in the US. Children in a SE Tenn. church are being taught at an early age, some as young as 3, to carry and shoot guns. The pastor of the United Church of Proud Patriotic Christians (UCPPC), William Robert E. Lee, reports that it is his duty as a preacher of the gospel, to teach children to fire automatic assault rifles.
Above: Reverend William Robert E. Lee

"I wouldn't be doin' my job proper if'n I didn' teach them youngin's to shoot a feller." Parents are very excited about this new Sunday school program. One father, Bobby Beaudeoux, says that this has allowed him time to do other things on Sundays besides teaching his daughters the difference between a radical Muslim and a socialist hippie traitor. "Sometime I have a hard time tellin' the difference myself," says Beaudeoux, "all them unAmerican types looks the same to me. My position is shoot first and, ah, and ask questions, ah, then bury the *other*ucker."
Above: 3 girls enrolled in Jesus' Gun Club at UCPPC
Another parent, mother of ten, Shandra Sue Levinsworth, says that she "ain't got no time to be foolin' with no kids." Levinsworth is a single mother and reports that this program has allowed her more time to locate the eleven fathers of her ten children in the hopes of receiving child support. "It's kinda nice knowin' that little Eddy [age 4] can shoot the eye out a crow at a hunerd yards, could come in mighty handy when the homosexual liberals come ta take our land away."
Above: Homosexuals
The National Shotgun Association (NSA) has declined to comment on this Sunday school program. In an unformal meeting over 12 Pabst Blue Ribbons, President Willy B. Shootin, revealed "I dern told that fool [William Robert E. Lee] some folks might not look kindly on this here program."

So far, local law officials have turned a blind eye to the program. Sheriff Joe Jack Jackson, said "It ain't our'n job ta go follerin' everbody 'round that gets the notion to teach toddlers to shoot AK-47's. If it were my job, I'd never have time ta go a fishin', that ain't no kinda way to live." Deputy Thomas Collins said "you tell them big city types where ta stick it boss!"
So far, none of our reporters have been allowed to join a service or shooting lesson at the church. We were told that we "weren't the type we's allow at this here church!" We have the sneaking suspicion that this may be due to the fact that most of our reporters are made up of big city types, homosexuals, and socialist hippie traitors.
Above: Socialist Hippie Traitor

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Inbreeding and Bigotry

Researchers from the Southern Ionia Kounty Kommunity Kollege (SIKKK) have just concluded a study linking racism and bigotry to inbreeding. This study was initiated in the early 1990's by Professor Snyde of SIKKK. Snyde had been the subject of vandalism and harassment for years in his Ionia county home. Snyde was an African American, gay, Muslim. He decided to research why all of his enemies seemed to look very similar (toothless, mullet wearing, fetal alcohol syndrome looking, white men).
Professor Snyde
Snyde was surprised to find through DNA testing that most of the men where of the same lineage. Snyde decided to take his research national in 2000. He tested 100 of the 1,000,000 hate groups throughout the US. Snyde was amazed to discover that 99 of the groups traced their roots to only 10 families in Europe. After only a few years after this discovery the local Ionia Chapter of the Klu Klux Klan lynched the professor.
Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari
In 2005 friend and colleague of Snyde, Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari took over as head of research in this study. Kalimari, a transgender, albino, Pakastani, picked up where her/his? predecessor had left off. This year in late April, SIKKK announced that a definite link has been confirmed by top DNA experts between 99% of all hate groups in American and 10 families in Europe. The KKK Ionia Chapter denies any and all "cousin lovin" activity. William Robert Thompson of that chapter reports "most o' my cousins is too damn ugly fer me to be wantin to bed down!"William Robert Thompson

Friday, May 29, 2009

President Ali Mumbuto has provocted the U.N. and U.S. to near war with recent actions. Mumbuto, during a press conference, stood up, exposed his buttocks, and passed gas in the camera. Mumbuto reports that this is his response to recent U.N. and U.S. sanctions against The Peoples Republic of Guanico in the delta region of south central Africa.

Army General McCulliham says that the U.S. cannot stand idoly by while Mumbuto throws such blows. He states "His [Mumbuto] actions are a blatent threat to the democracy which the U.N. and U.S. has worked so hard to force on the rest of the world."

Yesterday in a press briefing, U.N. Secretary Cafe con Leche said, "if the Mumbuto administration does not appologize for this affront, we [U.N. and U.S.] may be forced into military action. U.S. President Obama has denied to comment on Mumbuto's actions. There is speculation that Mumbuto may be Obama's thrid cousin twice removed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hairless Beavers

Wildlife researchers have been reporting increasing numbers of hairless beavers. According to Big Wood Park Ranger Phil McCracken, numbers of these anomalies have reached historic levels in the last two decades. Ranger McCracken reports, "I never used to see beavers without hair in the 1970's and early 1980's. Now almost every beaver I see lately is bald as a newborn babe."

There is growing concern in wildlife protection circles that there may be a type of beaver Alopecia effecting American populations. Alopecia is usually considered a human disease where the hair is lost on part or all of the body. Strangely enough researchers state that in Europe and the Middle East there have been no reports of the hairless beavers. Franco Bigomuffo of the Italian Forest Administration says, "our a beavers they have a big bushy hairs on them. Man you a never see so much hair on a beaver as the Italian beaver."

North American researchers are working on determining how the beaver population and mating habits have been effected by the beaver Alopecia. Dr. Johnson of Colorado State Univ. reports that "amazingly enough, it seems like the beavers with less hair get more attention from potential mates." Right now most researchers are not alarmed as they view the bald beavers as "kinda cute." Watch "You Should Totally Do It" for more developments on this fascinating phenomena.

Italian Beaver (left) American "Bald" Beaver with baby (right)

Just my opinion, but I prefer a beaver with hair. A bald beaver just looks a little weird.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Suuueeee! Swine Flu Sweeps the US

Recently I visited Washington, D.C. to attend a convention. In the convention hall there were 3 large flat screen TVs mounted on the way up the escalator. The TVs were tuned to the three major cable "news" channels. All day for the three days I was there they were running almost non-stop stories on Swine Flu. Where the fuck did Swine Flu come from? And what exactly is it?

Well since the outbreak started in Mexico I decided to travel there to interview some Mexican people. Mexican people are really nice and they gave me some food. I had guisado de puerco. It was suuuure yummy!
After lunch I asked around the town of San Ricardo about the Swine Flu epidemic. Most folks were frightened of me and ran away. But finally I found a nice old lady to talk to. She told me that Swine Flu started because of drunk men daring each other to tongue kiss pigs. Could this be true? I decided to go under cover as a drunk Mexican and hang out a couple of local cantinas and see what happens.

After several hours of sipping pure agave tequila, I noticed a few men laughing and putting money on a table. One gentleman walked out of the cantina and went around back. He returned with a small piglet. Another gentleman gulped his drink and with a grin went in for the attack. The guy made out with the piglet for a good ten minutes before releasing his grip and sitting back down to collect his pesos. Wow! I stumbled back to my hotel and slept in the bathtub.

Around 1pm I was roused from my slumber to the sound of people shouting in the street below. The man that had made out with the piglet last night was in the midst of a coughing fit and was sweating profusely. He had contracted Swine Flu. Apparently after the men contract the virus they can then spread it to their wives, children, and other farm animals they kiss. I heard a groan and realized that their was someone in my bathroom. A woman emerged coughing and gaging. She finally fell to the floor. Apparently I had picked up a little senorita at the cantina the night before. Before I realized that she had the Swine Flu, I started coughing and sweating bullets. I woke up several hours later in the hospital. Luckily with my American dollars I was able to pay for the much needed medicine that most Mexicans cannot afford.

The doctors tell me that the side effects of the antidote will wear off in two to three weeks. Thank goodness for that, because my dating life has suffered immensely.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Fat Ass to NICE ASS!

So I recently lost about 60 lbs. Everywhere I go people talk about how good I look. Of course I wonder "What did they think of me before?" Before I went on my diet I was given a diagnosis of "Morbid Obesity." I was like WTF? Morbidly Obese? I mean I know I was overweight but MORBIDLY OBESE? This is what I think of when I think of morbid obesity.

That is not what I looked like. However, that was my diagnosis. Now I am just plain obese! Yeah!!!!! I'm f*ing obese! Anyway, people say damn you lookin' good Amani! And I'm all like "Thanks." So was I like disgusting to people before I lost weight? A gross slob? What did people think of the way I looked? Now they all like "I wanna kiss you!" and stuff. Ok, I know you've been wondering; this is what I look like now.

Thanks Vita-Pro!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Garlic; It's not just for driving away vampires anymore...

I recently took a trip to the Transylvania region of Romania, I was doing some research for my "Twilight" fan club. One of the questions that I was asking locals was what they knew about the power of garlic to fight vampires. I was surprised that when most women were asked about garlic they ran and hid. When I asked men about garlic they invited me to the cellar of an old pub in the town of Shlgashnikov. The men told me they were about to share an age old secret with me that men of Transylvania pass from one generation to the next.
Nicolai and Ivan Mustavchi (photo above) were kind enough to start the conversation. "You'a ever have'a crazy wife she try cut you?" Sure I said, who hasn't. The men roared with laughter. "Well, is'a not funny when she got you by the dinglies and she have'a that crazy look'a in her eye." No, I said, not funny at all. The men looked downcast at the notion of a wife with their "dinglies" in their hands. "Well, we'a use garlic for many year on the Vampire, and one night my great-great-great-grandad he think he get attack by Vampire. He drove that demon away with garlic and find his wife hiding in bathroom. Thats'a when he discover garlic not only work'a on blood thirsty Vampire but also crazy woman." All the men in the room nodded in agreement.

I have to say that I was astonished at this new found use for garlic. I wanted to try my luck with some locals, so Nicolai and Ivan agreed to go and piss off their sister and then let me hit on her. I made some rude gestures in her direction and before she could slap me upside the head I pulled out a bulb of garlic. She ran hissing into the lady's room not to return. I couldn't wait to get home to my wife. Thanks Transylvania!
My wife after I pulled a bulb of garlic on her

Friday, April 3, 2009

Four people were taken to St. Mary's Hospital this afternoon with minor injuries after a tricycle accident in the 700 block of Cherry Street SE; near Cherry Hill Market, in Grand Rapids' East Hills Neighborhood. The accident occurred just before 2:20pm today and closed a portion of Cherry Street to traffic while technicians investigated the accident and a long debris field was cleared away.
Lt. Mark Dibelka of the Grand Rapids Police Department said that excessive speed was a factor in the accident, which left one tricycle facing west on a sidewalk, its front tire was sheared off. The second tricycle, which came to rest on the south side of Cherry Street several hundred feet down the road on its side.
Dibelka said officers believed that there had been two toddlers on the first tricycle, but that the riders of the tricycle had fled on foot by the time police reached the scene. Dibelka said the accident remains under investigation.

This photo was taken of Ricky Thomas, owner of the second tricycle, attempting to right his overturned trike. Ricky told reporters that he should have listened to his mommy and stayed in the yard. Ricky's mommy, Jean Thomas, told reporters that Ricky is recovering at home, after a messy diaper change and an hour long nursing session.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Grand Rapids - Night Life or Low Life

Have you noticed as I have, that GR has an overwhelming amount of drinking establishments? You've been there, you're driving home with the kids from visiting the Grandparents, you're driving through the stretch of Fulton between Division and Market, and you see hundreds of drunk yuppies? And then the questions come "Daddy, why is that girl peeing behind that dumpster?", "Mommy, why is that preppy guy puking in his Abercrombie & Fitch pre-worn out hat?", "Daddy, why is that girl wearing American Eagle jeans that you can see her Victoria's Secret thongs hanging out?"

I did a little research and found that there are at least 175 bars in the Grand Rapids area. Why do we need so many bars? I don't think that I am alone when I say that I am sick and tired of seeing all the yuppies staggering down Fulton on Friday and Saturday nights. It's not that I am jealous because I have to go home and put my kids to bed; it's just that it makes me wonder about the future of our society that so much money, effort, and time is spent on people forgetting all the crap that is wrong with their lives. I think that if people spent as much time working together on fixing our society as they did trying to forget their problems (i.e. TV, video games, music, computers, alcohol, just to name a few) that our country would be a lot better off. Ok just a minute, let me get down off my soapbox now. All I'm saying is what happened to people just getting together to talk, hang-out, and socialize? Have you tried to have conversations in a bar lately? I'm not saying that we need to be serious all the time (Lord knows I'm not saying that), I'm just saying that I don't like all the yuppie bars in GR. However, if they were all gone, I sure would miss this:

Here's the story, of an ugly lady, the likes to drink vodka and bump and grind with middle school students. Kylene Nelson AKA "Crazy Legs Nelson," is a teacher at a middle school in Florida. This woman has a history of drinking on school grounds. Well on the most recent occasion Crazy Leg's Nelson, according to students, was drunk during class, playing loud music, "bumping and grinding" against students, and most shockingly showing her bare ass to the kids. Students also report that she told them that if they didn't dance with her she would fail them. One of the students had the courage to risk their camera phone and video tape this debacle. He is seen in this photo.
Charlie Lancet is still in the Intensive Care Unit of Sister's of Mercy Medical Center in Pascaluosa, Fl. Several other students were flown to the hospital and released after being treated for "flu like" symptoms (i.e. puking their freakin brains out!). Crazy Legs Nelson is being treated in a nearby mental facility. Students are still stunned and occasionally vomit when questioned by reporters. Charlie Lancet (photo above) told reporters that he wouldn't have minded it (all the bumping and grinding) if she were hot. Charlie reports that Crazy Legs Nelson is not hot, she looks as foul as she smells. The following is a link to the story as reported by the Detroit Free Press.