Recently I visited Washington, D.C. to attend a convention. In the convention hall there were 3 large flat screen TVs mounted on the way up the escalator. The TVs were tuned to the three major cable "news" channels. All day for the three days I was there they were running almost non-stop stories on Swine Flu. Where the fuck did Swine Flu come from? And what exactly is it?
Well since the outbreak started in Mexico I decided to travel there to interview some Mexican people. Mexican people are really nice and they gave me some food. I had guisado de puerco. It was suuuure yummy!
After lunch I asked around the town of San Ricardo about the Swine Flu epidemic. Most folks were frightened of me and ran away. But finally I found a nice old lady to talk to. She told me that Swine Flu started because of drunk men daring each other to tongue kiss pigs. Could this be true? I decided to go under cover as a drunk Mexican and hang out a couple of local cantinas and see what happens.
After several hours of sipping pure agave tequila, I noticed a few men laughing and putting money on a table. One gentleman walked out of the cantina and went around back. He returned with a small piglet. Another gentleman gulped his drink and with a grin went in for the attack. The guy made out with the piglet for a good ten minutes before releasing his grip and sitting back down to collect his pesos. Wow! I stumbled back to my hotel and slept in the bathtub.
Around 1pm I was roused from my slumber to the sound of people shouting in the street below. The man that had made out with the piglet last night was in the midst of a coughing fit and was sweating profusely. He had contracted Swine Flu. Apparently after the men contract the virus they can then spread it to their wives, children, and other farm animals they kiss. I heard a groan and realized that their was someone in my bathroom. A woman emerged coughing and gaging. She finally fell to the floor. Apparently I had picked up a little senorita at the cantina the night before. Before I realized that she had the Swine Flu, I started coughing and sweating bullets. I woke up several hours later in the hospital. Luckily with my American dollars I was able to pay for the much needed medicine that most Mexicans cannot afford.
The doctors tell me that the side effects of the antidote will wear off in two to three weeks. Thank goodness for that, because my dating life has suffered immensely.
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