Suuueeee! Swine Flu Sweeps the US

Recently I visited Washington, D.C. to attend a convention. In the convention hall there were 3 large flat screen TVs mounted on the way up the escalator. The TVs were tuned to the three major cable "news" channels. All day for the three days I was there they were running almost non-stop stories on Swine Flu. Where the fuck did Swine Flu come from? And what exactly is it?

Well since the outbreak started in Mexico I decided to travel there to interview some Mexican people. Mexican people are really nice and they gave me some food. I had guisado de puerco. It was suuuure yummy!

After lunch I asked around the town of San Ricardo about the Swine Flu epidemic. Most folks were frightened of me and ran away. But finally I found a nice old lady to talk to. She told me that Swine Flu started because of drunk men daring each other to tongue kiss pigs. Could this be true? I decided to go under cover as a drunk Mexican and hang out a couple of local cantinas and see what happens.

After several hours of sipping pure agave tequila, I noticed a few men laughing and putting money on a table. One gentleman walked out of the cantina and went around back. He returned with a small piglet. Another gentleman gulped his drink and with a grin went in for the attack. The guy made out with the piglet for a good ten minutes before releasing his grip and sitting back down to collect his pesos. Wow! I stumbled back to my hotel and slept in the bathtub.

Around 1pm I was roused from my slumber to the sound of people shouting in the street below. The man that had made out with the piglet last night was in the midst of a coughing fit and was sweating profusely. He had contracted Swine Flu. Apparently after the men contract the virus they can then spread it to their wives, children, and other farm animals they kiss. I heard a groan and realized that their was someone in my bathroom. A woman emerged coughing and gaging. She finally fell to the floor. Apparently I had picked up a little senorita at the cantina the night before. Before I realized that she had the Swine Flu, I started coughing and sweating bullets. I woke up several hours later in the hospital. Luckily with my American dollars I was able to pay for the much needed medicine that most Mexicans cannot afford.

The doctors tell me that the side effects of the antidote will wear off in two to three weeks. Thank goodness for that, because my dating life has suffered immensely.

Fat Ass to NICE ASS!

So I recently lost about 60 lbs. Everywhere I go people talk about how good I look. Of course I wonder "What did they think of me before?" Before I went on my diet I was given a diagnosis of "Morbid Obesity." I was like WTF? Morbidly Obese? I mean I know I was overweight but MORBIDLY OBESE? This is what I think of when I think of morbid obesity.

That is not what I looked like. However, that was my diagnosis. Now I am just plain obese! Yeah!!!!! I'm f*ing obese! Anyway, people say damn you lookin' good Amani! And I'm all like "Thanks." So was I like disgusting to people before I lost weight? A gross slob? What did people think of the way I looked? Now they all like "I wanna kiss you!" and stuff. Ok, I know you've been wondering; this is what I look like now.

Thanks Vita-Pro!

Garlic; It's not just for driving away vampires anymore...

I recently took a trip to the Transylvania region of Romania, I was doing some research for my "Twilight" fan club. One of the questions that I was asking locals was what they knew about the power of garlic to fight vampires. I was surprised that when most women were asked about garlic they ran and hid. When I asked men about garlic they invited me to the cellar of an old pub in the town of Shlgashnikov. The men told me they were about to share an age old secret with me that men of Transylvania pass from one generation to the next.

Nicolai and Ivan Mustavchi (photo above) were kind enough to start the conversation. "You'a ever have'a crazy wife she try cut you?" Sure I said, who hasn't. The men roared with laughter. "Well, is'a not funny when she got you by the dinglies and she have'a that crazy look'a in her eye." No, I said, not funny at all. The men looked downcast at the notion of a wife with their "dinglies" in their hands. "Well, we'a use garlic for many year on the Vampire, and one night my great-great-great-grandad he think he get attack by Vampire. He drove that demon away with garlic and find his wife hiding in bathroom. Thats'a when he discover garlic not only work'a on blood thirsty Vampire but also crazy woman." All the men in the room nodded in agreement.

I have to say that I was astonished at this new found use for garlic. I wanted to try my luck with some locals, so Nicolai and Ivan agreed to go and piss off their sister and then let me hit on her. I made some rude gestures in her direction and before she could slap me upside the head I pulled out a bulb of garlic. She ran hissing into the lady's room not to return. I couldn't wait to get home to my wife. Thanks Transylvania!

My wife after I pulled a bulb of garlic on her

Four people were taken to St. Mary's Hospital this afternoon with minor injuries after a tricycle accident in the 700 block of Cherry Street SE; near Cherry Hill Market, in Grand Rapids' East Hills Neighborhood. The accident occurred just before 2:20pm today and closed a portion of Cherry Street to traffic while technicians investigated the accident and a long debris field was cleared away.
Lt. Mark Dibelka of the Grand Rapids Police Department said that excessive speed was a factor in the accident, which left one tricycle facing west on a sidewalk, its front tire was sheared off. The second tricycle, which came to rest on the south side of Cherry Street several hundred feet down the road on its side.
Dibelka said officers believed that there had been two toddlers on the first tricycle, but that the riders of the tricycle had fled on foot by the time police reached the scene. Dibelka said the accident remains under investigation.

This photo was taken of Ricky Thomas, owner of the second tricycle, attempting to right his overturned trike. Ricky told reporters that he should have listened to his mommy and stayed in the yard. Ricky's mommy, Jean Thomas, told reporters that Ricky is recovering at home, after a messy diaper change and an hour long nursing session.