New Research on Bumper Stickers

There is new research that suggests that bumper stickers have no effect on changing reader's opinions. Greater Mulberry Community College (GMCC) of Alabama has recently published a study in the US Journal of Journaling, that suggests that Americans waist as much as $1000 a year in catchy political and religious bumper stickers.


Phil Baxton of GMCC says "We were amazed to find that the only reaction most people have to opposing view points is anger, not enlightenment." 199 people were polled as to whether or not they read other people's bumper stickers. 98% of those polled report that they do read the bumper stickers. Of the 98%, 97% said that if they don't agree with the message they drive fast enough to pass the other vehicle and flip them the bird. The other 1% said that they rear-end the vehicle in front of them in the attempt to damage the bumper sticker enough that no other motorists have to be offended with such nonsense.

Above: Funny Bumper Sticker

Church Teaches Youth to Shoot

A story has come out of south east Tennessee today surrounding the issue of conceal and carry weapons in the US. Children in a SE Tenn. church are being taught at an early age, some as young as 3, to carry and shoot guns. The pastor of the United Church of Proud Patriotic Christians (UCPPC), William Robert E. Lee, reports that it is his duty as a preacher of the gospel, to teach children to fire automatic assault rifles.
Above: Reverend William Robert E. Lee

"I wouldn't be doin' my job proper if'n I didn' teach them youngin's to shoot a feller." Parents are very excited about this new Sunday school program. One father, Bobby Beaudeoux, says that this has allowed him time to do other things on Sundays besides teaching his daughters the difference between a radical Muslim and a socialist hippie traitor. "Sometime I have a hard time tellin' the difference myself," says Beaudeoux, "all them unAmerican types looks the same to me. My position is shoot first and, ah, and ask questions, ah, then bury the *other*ucker."

Above: 3 girls enrolled in Jesus' Gun Club at UCPPC

Another parent, mother of ten, Shandra Sue Levinsworth, says that she "ain't got no time to be foolin' with no kids." Levinsworth is a single mother and reports that this program has allowed her more time to locate the eleven fathers of her ten children in the hopes of receiving child support. "It's kinda nice knowin' that little Eddy [age 4] can shoot the eye out a crow at a hunerd yards, could come in mighty handy when the homosexual liberals come ta take our land away."

Above: Homosexuals

The National Shotgun Association (NSA) has declined to comment on this Sunday school program. In an unformal meeting over 12 Pabst Blue Ribbons, President Willy B. Shootin, revealed "I dern told that fool [William Robert E. Lee] some folks might not look kindly on this here program."

So far, local law officials have turned a blind eye to the program. Sheriff Joe Jack Jackson, said "It ain't our'n job ta go follerin' everbody 'round that gets the notion to teach toddlers to shoot AK-47's. If it were my job, I'd never have time ta go a fishin', that ain't no kinda way to live." Deputy Thomas Collins said "you tell them big city types where ta stick it boss!"

So far, none of our reporters have been allowed to join a service or shooting lesson at the church. We were told that we "weren't the type we's allow at this here church!" We have the sneaking suspicion that this may be due to the fact that most of our reporters are made up of big city types, homosexuals, and socialist hippie traitors.

Above: Socialist Hippie Traitor

Inbreeding and Bigotry

Researchers from the Southern Ionia Kounty Kommunity Kollege (SIKKK) have just concluded a study linking racism and bigotry to inbreeding. This study was initiated in the early 1990's by Professor Snyde of SIKKK. Snyde had been the subject of vandalism and harassment for years in his Ionia county home. Snyde was an African American, gay, Muslim. He decided to research why all of his enemies seemed to look very similar (toothless, mullet wearing, fetal alcohol syndrome looking, white men).
Professor Snyde

Snyde was surprised to find through DNA testing that most of the men where of the same lineage. Snyde decided to take his research national in 2000. He tested 100 of the 1,000,000 hate groups throughout the US. Snyde was amazed to discover that 99 of the groups traced their roots to only 10 families in Europe. After only a few years after this discovery the local Ionia Chapter of the Klu Klux Klan lynched the professor.

Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari

In 2005 friend and colleague of Snyde, Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari took over as head of research in this study. Kalimari, a transgender, albino, Pakastani, picked up where her/his? predecessor had left off. This year in late April, SIKKK announced that a definite link has been confirmed by top DNA experts between 99% of all hate groups in American and 10 families in Europe. The KKK Ionia Chapter denies any and all "cousin lovin" activity. William Robert Thompson of that chapter reports "most o' my cousins is too damn ugly fer me to be wantin to bed down!"William Robert Thompson