You should totally do it...

Spring's a Comin'!

2011-03-09T09:10:00.006-05:00

Well folks spring has finally sprung in Michigan! It has been a long hard winter for us folks in the north country, but warmer days and sunshine are on the horizon! Before you know it we will be only shoveling every other day, instead of everyday. Temperatures will rise from 10 degrees to a sultry 30 degrees. And parkas? Put them away and don your 3-in-1 ski jackets (you know a mild morning in March can end in a 4pm blizzard). In celebration of the spring season I have decided to remove one bag of salt (of the 200lbs) from the back of my truck. Yes, I am a hopeless optimist. Of course I used the bag I removed to salt my driveway in preparation for the impending ice storm.

Winter Scene in West Michigan

Sunny spring day in West Michigan

As I am writing this, we are experiencing a lovely ice/sleet mix. I can just about see some brightness in the sky where the sun was in August last year. Wow! It's time to get some new shades! My eyes are not used to this!

Typical "Michigan Eyes"

Cemetery Gardens

2011-02-21T17:38:00.009-05:00

The United States of America is going to be facing a new challenge in the coming years. A rapidly increasing population, and dwindling farm land will cause a shift in how Americans get their food. In 1980, polls show that 90% of Americans were buying meat and produce grown in the US. By 2007, polls show that only 67% of the food bought in the US was grown and produced here.

Dr. David L'Beaudoux, of New Orleans University School of Agriculture, reports that the main reason for this shift is our [US] population explosion. Growing population means more need for housing, more need for shopping centers, and more need for landfills. With the expansion of sub-urban areas, traditionally agricultural areas are being overrun by McDonald's, Walmarts, and sub-divisions.

Dr. David L'Beaudoux

Dr. L'Beaudoux states that there will not be enough farmland to support the US population by 2015. Increasing acreage is being transformed into corn and soybean production. Most of the crops grown in these operations are not fit for human consumption, but used for ethanol and food additive production. When asked what the answer to this dilemma was, Dr. L'Beaudoux pointed us in the direction of "fringe" agro-scientist, Luke Hammond.

Luke Hammond on his moisture farm.

Luke Hammond has expertise in harvesting water vapor from the atmosphere and using it to grow crops in underground hydroponic labs. He proposes that the US start utilizing the vast open areas in and around urban areas used to house postmortem individuals. Yes folks, that's right, Luke Hammond proposes that we start using graveyards to grow food. Hammond has already convinced the people of Versailles, Illinois, to do so.

Saint Marks Cathedral Cemetery/Garden in Versailles, IL

While the majority of people in the US would be horrified to find that their iceberg lettuce was grown atop Great Uncle Eddie, most admit they would be more concerned that food was being imported from "them foreigners." Dr. L'Beaudoux and Hammond, are planing on meeting with the Wayne County (Detroit, MI) board of commissioners next month for similar plans. Hammond believes that with Detroit being the murder capital of the US, they're bound to have hundreds of acres of available farmland.

Chinese Demon Spirit Captured

2011-02-09T19:09:00.005-05:00

Authorities in Chin-Jiung Province, China, believe they have found the demon spirit Xiu-Liuong. Chinese historians report ancient texts say that around 1300BC Xiu-Liuong was a warrior that raided rural villages, stealing livestock and produce. It is said that Xiu-Liuong used the animals and produce to create giant pans of fried rice for superior demon spirits.

Above: Fried Rice

Probably the most interesting piece of the ancient tale is the belief that Xiu-Liuong was actually a young girl. As far as demon spirits in Chinese mythology go, most are adult males, or siren like adult females. Apparently this is not so for Xiu-Liuong. She is commonly depicted in paintings as a young female with dragon wings growing from her face. Legend has it that Xiu-Liuong would lie along the roadside near night fall and wait for village women to pass by. When Xiu-Liuong saw a motherly looking woman she would begin to weep and proceed to tell the woman that she was an orphan. More often than not these women would take Xiu-Liuong into their homes. At night while the families slept is when Xiu-Liuong would strike.
Above: Chinese crowd gathers to attack Xiu-Liuong

Xiu-Liuong was found working in a noodle restaurant in a old part of the city. After she was positively identified word spread quickly and many in the city gathered to kill her. Police in riot gear arrived before Xiu-Liuong could be apprehended. Chinese authorities report that they want to keep Xiu-Liuong alive long enough to find the secret to her powers. They will try to replicate her powers in order to take over the world, then they will kill her.

Above: Xiu-Liuong behind bars

Trouble on the Border

2011-02-08T13:05:00.010-05:00

In the last several years the discussion on Mexicans illegally entering the United States has definitely amplified. Many living on the US/Mexico border feel that the rest of the country does not understand the true issues at hand. Many complain of the crime that immigrants bring with them. Others believe that they are a strain on our already unsteady economy. Another big concern by many is the fear that immigrants take jobs away from US citizens.

One of the most outspoken on the matter is Benji Hamilton; of West Auburn, Texas. He states that many of his friends and neighbors have lost their jobs or not even been considered for positions due to the flood of immigrants into the country from Mexico. Benji states, "I am fortunate to have a very comfortable position at the Hamilton home. Many of my friends are not as lucky. Some have even been forced to live on the street and live out of dumpsters."

Above: Benji Hamilton, Below: Some of Benji's friends

Benji reports that in his town alone, there are upwards of 20 arrests per week involving illegal immigrants. He reports that his town has gone from a "nice, quiet place" to a ghetto in only a few years. One of the major concerns with the illegals is gang and drug related violence.

An illegal immigrant dressed in gang "colors"

While many Americans on the Left and the Right feel that they have the answers, one thing is sure, this problem is not going to go away anytime soon. The chihuahua has been recorded as entering the US as early as 1904. Many chihuahuas on both sides of the boarder claim that the lands of the southern US have been stolen away from them, and that the [US] government has no right to tell them that they can't be here. President Obama was asked to comment, however, the aid that we reached laughed and hung up.

Illegal immigrants fighting in the streets

Mexican street gang in La Huaraville, New Mexico

The Threat from Within

2010-11-05T13:42:00.004-04:00

In an age where everyday we hear in the news of terrorist plots, attempts, and attacks, one has to wonder; where lies the biggest threat? I have found the answer to this question. While skimming the news a while ago I read an article about a man killed in an automobile accident after hitting a deer. Living in the northern Midwest, we read these articles on a daily basis. A thought occurred to me after reading this article; are these accidents really "accidents?"

I have since dedicated countless hours to the pursuit of truth behind deer automobile "accidents." State Farm insurance claims that there are 1.5 million auto/deer collisions each year. Our fair state of Michigan is in the top 10 U.S. states where these collisions occur. Now, let's look at Islamic Extremist Terrorists; they have been widely known to use suicide bombers to attack their enemies, isn't it fair to assume that other groups may use the same tactic?

I am talking about a little known, but very dangerous group right here in America; the radical group known to members as "The Whitetail Totalitarian Front" or WTF. I have made inside contacts with WTF. They report that they will stop at nothing less than a complete take over of the American government.

I am personally taking part in a preemptive strike against the WTF. Many others are joining the fight, and you should too. Our way of life, the American dream, Coca-Cola, and apple pie are at stake! And remember; freedom isn't free, you can purchase a combo archery/firearm license in Michigan for $30.

Really horrible coffee, or not so bad shit...

2009-08-25T23:09:00.006-04:00

To what lengths will one go for the want of caffeine? Ok, I'll admit, I have partaken in the evil which is known as Starbucks. I am sorry every time I go too. Starbucks coffee tastes like burnt shit. Seriously, I think they try to fool people by burning the shit out of it then brewing it so people think that it's just "good strong coffee."

What you get when you buy a single cappuccino at Starbucks.

I have worked in several coffee shops and consider myself sort of a connoisseur of fine coffee. I love a strong cup of jo just as much as the next blog nerd. But Starbucks just tastes plain BURNT! So, being the compassionate, caring human being that I am, decided to take it upon myself to find out once and for all what the f*ck Starbucks does to make their coffee taste so incredibly bad.

I went straight to the source. Deep in the rain forests of the Amazon delta I found a member of the Inbineri tribe and asked him where the nearest Starbucks was. On the next block there it was; I should have known, I could smell burning rubber a mile away. I order a small cup of regular brewed coffee and took it to my good friend Emil DeParte's laboratory in Porto Velho.

"Go down right down Main Street and hang a left."

Emil ran several tests. Two days later he called me and gave me the results. To my absolute horror, Emil told me that Starbucks coffee is actually burnt goat shit. Holy f*ck! I mean I love goats, but I sure as hell am not going to drink something brewed from their excrement. Hmmm, mystery solved. Well, there you have it. When someone says, "damn this Starbucks coffee tastes like shit!" You can say, "my friend that's because it is shit."

Which one is Starbucks "coffee" and which one is real coffee?

New Research on Bumper Stickers

2009-06-26T11:04:00.006-04:00

There is new research that suggests that bumper stickers have no effect on changing reader's opinions. Greater Mulberry Community College (GMCC) of Alabama has recently published a study in the US Journal of Journaling, that suggests that Americans waist as much as $1000 a year in catchy political and religious bumper stickers.

Phil Baxton of GMCC says "We were amazed to find that the only reaction most people have to opposing view points is anger, not enlightenment." 199 people were polled as to whether or not they read other people's bumper stickers. 98% of those polled report that they do read the bumper stickers. Of the 98%, 97% said that if they don't agree with the message they drive fast enough to pass the other vehicle and flip them the bird. The other 1% said that they rear-end the vehicle in front of them in the attempt to damage the bumper sticker enough that no other motorists have to be offended with such nonsense.

Above: Funny Bumper Sticker

Church Teaches Youth to Shoot

2009-06-26T09:59:00.004-04:00

A story has come out of south east Tennessee today surrounding the issue of conceal and carry weapons in the US. Children in a SE Tenn. church are being taught at an early age, some as young as 3, to carry and shoot guns. The pastor of the United Church of Proud Patriotic Christians (UCPPC), William Robert E. Lee, reports that it is his duty as a preacher of the gospel, to teach children to fire automatic assault rifles.
Above: Reverend William Robert E. Lee

"I wouldn't be doin' my job proper if'n I didn' teach them youngin's to shoot a feller." Parents are very excited about this new Sunday school program. One father, Bobby Beaudeoux, says that this has allowed him time to do other things on Sundays besides teaching his daughters the difference between a radical Muslim and a socialist hippie traitor. "Sometime I have a hard time tellin' the difference myself," says Beaudeoux, "all them unAmerican types looks the same to me. My position is shoot first and, ah, and ask questions, ah, then bury the *other*ucker."

Above: 3 girls enrolled in Jesus' Gun Club at UCPPC

Another parent, mother of ten, Shandra Sue Levinsworth, says that she "ain't got no time to be foolin' with no kids." Levinsworth is a single mother and reports that this program has allowed her more time to locate the eleven fathers of her ten children in the hopes of receiving child support. "It's kinda nice knowin' that little Eddy [age 4] can shoot the eye out a crow at a hunerd yards, could come in mighty handy when the homosexual liberals come ta take our land away."

Above: Homosexuals

The National Shotgun Association (NSA) has declined to comment on this Sunday school program. In an unformal meeting over 12 Pabst Blue Ribbons, President Willy B. Shootin, revealed "I dern told that fool [William Robert E. Lee] some folks might not look kindly on this here program."

So far, local law officials have turned a blind eye to the program. Sheriff Joe Jack Jackson, said "It ain't our'n job ta go follerin' everbody 'round that gets the notion to teach toddlers to shoot AK-47's. If it were my job, I'd never have time ta go a fishin', that ain't no kinda way to live." Deputy Thomas Collins said "you tell them big city types where ta stick it boss!"

So far, none of our reporters have been allowed to join a service or shooting lesson at the church. We were told that we "weren't the type we's allow at this here church!" We have the sneaking suspicion that this may be due to the fact that most of our reporters are made up of big city types, homosexuals, and socialist hippie traitors.

Above: Socialist Hippie Traitor

Inbreeding and Bigotry

2009-06-11T10:51:00.004-04:00

Researchers from the Southern Ionia Kounty Kommunity Kollege (SIKKK) have just concluded a study linking racism and bigotry to inbreeding. This study was initiated in the early 1990's by Professor Snyde of SIKKK. Snyde had been the subject of vandalism and harassment for years in his Ionia county home. Snyde was an African American, gay, Muslim. He decided to research why all of his enemies seemed to look very similar (toothless, mullet wearing, fetal alcohol syndrome looking, white men).
Professor Snyde

Snyde was surprised to find through DNA testing that most of the men where of the same lineage. Snyde decided to take his research national in 2000. He tested 100 of the 1,000,000 hate groups throughout the US. Snyde was amazed to discover that 99 of the groups traced their roots to only 10 families in Europe. After only a few years after this discovery the local Ionia Chapter of the Klu Klux Klan lynched the professor.

Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari

In 2005 friend and colleague of Snyde, Dr. Vishiwa Kalimari took over as head of research in this study. Kalimari, a transgender, albino, Pakastani, picked up where her/his? predecessor had left off. This year in late April, SIKKK announced that a definite link has been confirmed by top DNA experts between 99% of all hate groups in American and 10 families in Europe. The KKK Ionia Chapter denies any and all "cousin lovin" activity. William Robert Thompson of that chapter reports "most o' my cousins is too damn ugly fer me to be wantin to bed down!"William Robert Thompson

2009-05-29T09:26:00.003-04:00

President Ali Mumbuto has provocted the U.N. and U.S. to near war with recent actions. Mumbuto, during a press conference, stood up, exposed his buttocks, and passed gas in the camera. Mumbuto reports that this is his response to recent U.N. and U.S. sanctions against The Peoples Republic of Guanico in the delta region of south central Africa.

Army General McCulliham says that the U.S. cannot stand idoly by while Mumbuto throws such blows. He states "His [Mumbuto] actions are a blatent threat to the democracy which the U.N. and U.S. has worked so hard to force on the rest of the world."

Yesterday in a press briefing, U.N. Secretary Cafe con Leche said, "if the Mumbuto administration does not appologize for this affront, we [U.N. and U.S.] may be forced into military action. U.S. President Obama has denied to comment on Mumbuto's actions. There is speculation that Mumbuto may be Obama's thrid cousin twice removed.

Hairless Beavers

2009-05-20T09:18:00.004-04:00

Wildlife researchers have been reporting increasing numbers of hairless beavers. According to Big Wood Park Ranger Phil McCracken, numbers of these anomalies have reached historic levels in the last two decades. Ranger McCracken reports, "I never used to see beavers without hair in the 1970's and early 1980's. Now almost every beaver I see lately is bald as a newborn babe."

There is growing concern in wildlife protection circles that there may be a type of beaver Alopecia effecting American populations. Alopecia is usually considered a human disease where the hair is lost on part or all of the body. Strangely enough researchers state that in Europe and the Middle East there have been no reports of the hairless beavers. Franco Bigomuffo of the Italian Forest Administration says, "our a beavers they have a big bushy hairs on them. Man you a never see so much hair on a beaver as the Italian beaver."

North American researchers are working on determining how the beaver population and mating habits have been effected by the beaver Alopecia. Dr. Johnson of Colorado State Univ. reports that "amazingly enough, it seems like the beavers with less hair get more attention from potential mates." Right now most researchers are not alarmed as they view the bald beavers as "kinda cute." Watch "You Should Totally Do It" for more developments on this fascinating phenomena.

Italian Beaver (left) American "Bald" Beaver with baby (right)

Just my opinion, but I prefer a beaver with hair. A bald beaver just looks a little weird.

Suuueeee! Swine Flu Sweeps the US

2009-04-30T21:20:00.002-04:00

Recently I visited Washington, D.C. to attend a convention. In the convention hall there were 3 large flat screen TVs mounted on the way up the escalator. The TVs were tuned to the three major cable "news" channels. All day for the three days I was there they were running almost non-stop stories on Swine Flu. Where the fuck did Swine Flu come from? And what exactly is it?

Well since the outbreak started in Mexico I decided to travel there to interview some Mexican people. Mexican people are really nice and they gave me some food. I had guisado de puerco. It was suuuure yummy!

After lunch I asked around the town of San Ricardo about the Swine Flu epidemic. Most folks were frightened of me and ran away. But finally I found a nice old lady to talk to. She told me that Swine Flu started because of drunk men daring each other to tongue kiss pigs. Could this be true? I decided to go under cover as a drunk Mexican and hang out a couple of local cantinas and see what happens.

After several hours of sipping pure agave tequila, I noticed a few men laughing and putting money on a table. One gentleman walked out of the cantina and went around back. He returned with a small piglet. Another gentleman gulped his drink and with a grin went in for the attack. The guy made out with the piglet for a good ten minutes before releasing his grip and sitting back down to collect his pesos. Wow! I stumbled back to my hotel and slept in the bathtub.

Around 1pm I was roused from my slumber to the sound of people shouting in the street below. The man that had made out with the piglet last night was in the midst of a coughing fit and was sweating profusely. He had contracted Swine Flu. Apparently after the men contract the virus they can then spread it to their wives, children, and other farm animals they kiss. I heard a groan and realized that their was someone in my bathroom. A woman emerged coughing and gaging. She finally fell to the floor. Apparently I had picked up a little senorita at the cantina the night before. Before I realized that she had the Swine Flu, I started coughing and sweating bullets. I woke up several hours later in the hospital. Luckily with my American dollars I was able to pay for the much needed medicine that most Mexicans cannot afford.

The doctors tell me that the side effects of the antidote will wear off in two to three weeks. Thank goodness for that, because my dating life has suffered immensely.

Fat Ass to NICE ASS!

2009-04-25T19:58:00.002-04:00

So I recently lost about 60 lbs. Everywhere I go people talk about how good I look. Of course I wonder "What did they think of me before?" Before I went on my diet I was given a diagnosis of "Morbid Obesity." I was like WTF? Morbidly Obese? I mean I know I was overweight but MORBIDLY OBESE? This is what I think of when I think of morbid obesity.

That is not what I looked like. However, that was my diagnosis. Now I am just plain obese! Yeah!!!!! I'm f*ing obese! Anyway, people say damn you lookin' good Amani! And I'm all like "Thanks." So was I like disgusting to people before I lost weight? A gross slob? What did people think of the way I looked? Now they all like "I wanna kiss you!" and stuff. Ok, I know you've been wondering; this is what I look like now.

Thanks Vita-Pro!

Garlic; It's not just for driving away vampires anymore...

2009-04-14T21:25:00.002-04:00

I recently took a trip to the Transylvania region of Romania, I was doing some research for my "Twilight" fan club. One of the questions that I was asking locals was what they knew about the power of garlic to fight vampires. I was surprised that when most women were asked about garlic they ran and hid. When I asked men about garlic they invited me to the cellar of an old pub in the town of Shlgashnikov. The men told me they were about to share an age old secret with me that men of Transylvania pass from one generation to the next.

Nicolai and Ivan Mustavchi (photo above) were kind enough to start the conversation. "You'a ever have'a crazy wife she try cut you?" Sure I said, who hasn't. The men roared with laughter. "Well, is'a not funny when she got you by the dinglies and she have'a that crazy look'a in her eye." No, I said, not funny at all. The men looked downcast at the notion of a wife with their "dinglies" in their hands. "Well, we'a use garlic for many year on the Vampire, and one night my great-great-great-grandad he think he get attack by Vampire. He drove that demon away with garlic and find his wife hiding in bathroom. Thats'a when he discover garlic not only work'a on blood thirsty Vampire but also crazy woman." All the men in the room nodded in agreement.

I have to say that I was astonished at this new found use for garlic. I wanted to try my luck with some locals, so Nicolai and Ivan agreed to go and piss off their sister and then let me hit on her. I made some rude gestures in her direction and before she could slap me upside the head I pulled out a bulb of garlic. She ran hissing into the lady's room not to return. I couldn't wait to get home to my wife. Thanks Transylvania!

My wife after I pulled a bulb of garlic on her

2009-04-03T21:55:00.003-04:00

Four people were taken to St. Mary's Hospital this afternoon with minor injuries after a tricycle accident in the 700 block of Cherry Street SE; near Cherry Hill Market, in Grand Rapids' East Hills Neighborhood. The accident occurred just before 2:20pm today and closed a portion of Cherry Street to traffic while technicians investigated the accident and a long debris field was cleared away.
Lt. Mark Dibelka of the Grand Rapids Police Department said that excessive speed was a factor in the accident, which left one tricycle facing west on a sidewalk, its front tire was sheared off. The second tricycle, which came to rest on the south side of Cherry Street several hundred feet down the road on its side.
Dibelka said officers believed that there had been two toddlers on the first tricycle, but that the riders of the tricycle had fled on foot by the time police reached the scene. Dibelka said the accident remains under investigation.

This photo was taken of Ricky Thomas, owner of the second tricycle, attempting to right his overturned trike. Ricky told reporters that he should have listened to his mommy and stayed in the yard. Ricky's mommy, Jean Thomas, told reporters that Ricky is recovering at home, after a messy diaper change and an hour long nursing session.

Grand Rapids - Night Life or Low Life

2009-03-25T22:55:00.002-04:00

Have you noticed as I have, that GR has an overwhelming amount of drinking establishments? You've been there, you're driving home with the kids from visiting the Grandparents, you're driving through the stretch of Fulton between Division and Market, and you see hundreds of drunk yuppies? And then the questions come "Daddy, why is that girl peeing behind that dumpster?", "Mommy, why is that preppy guy puking in his Abercrombie & Fitch pre-worn out hat?", "Daddy, why is that girl wearing American Eagle jeans that you can see her Victoria's Secret thongs hanging out?"

I did a little research and found that there are at least 175 bars in the Grand Rapids area. Why do we need so many bars? I don't think that I am alone when I say that I am sick and tired of seeing all the yuppies staggering down Fulton on Friday and Saturday nights. It's not that I am jealous because I have to go home and put my kids to bed; it's just that it makes me wonder about the future of our society that so much money, effort, and time is spent on people forgetting all the crap that is wrong with their lives. I think that if people spent as much time working together on fixing our society as they did trying to forget their problems (i.e. TV, video games, music, computers, alcohol, just to name a few) that our country would be a lot better off. Ok just a minute, let me get down off my soapbox now. All I'm saying is what happened to people just getting together to talk, hang-out, and socialize? Have you tried to have conversations in a bar lately? I'm not saying that we need to be serious all the time (Lord knows I'm not saying that), I'm just saying that I don't like all the yuppie bars in GR. However, if they were all gone, I sure would miss this:

2009-03-25T11:28:00.004-04:00

Here's the story, of an ugly lady, the likes to drink vodka and bump and grind with middle school students. Kylene Nelson AKA "Crazy Legs Nelson," is a teacher at a middle school in Florida. This woman has a history of drinking on school grounds. Well on the most recent occasion Crazy Leg's Nelson, according to students, was drunk during class, playing loud music, "bumping and grinding" against students, and most shockingly showing her bare ass to the kids. Students also report that she told them that if they didn't dance with her she would fail them. One of the students had the courage to risk their camera phone and video tape this debacle. He is seen in this photo.

Charlie Lancet is still in the Intensive Care Unit of Sister's of Mercy Medical Center in Pascaluosa, Fl. Several other students were flown to the hospital and released after being treated for "flu like" symptoms (i.e. puking their freakin brains out!). Crazy Legs Nelson is being treated in a nearby mental facility. Students are still stunned and occasionally vomit when questioned by reporters. Charlie Lancet (photo above) told reporters that he wouldn't have minded it (all the bumping and grinding) if she were hot. Charlie reports that Crazy Legs Nelson is not hot, she looks as foul as she smells. The following is a link to the story as reported by the Detroit Free Press.

http://www.freep.com/article/20090324/NEWS07/90324023?imw=Y

NEWS FLASH! Kid Rock is a No Talent Hack!

2009-03-18T21:21:00.004-04:00

A story released from the Detroit Independent News this week confirms 99.99% of America's suspicion that Kid Rock sucks. A study was conducted at the Grand Rapids Community College Institute of What Sucks (GRCCIWS) recently. The GRCCIWS reported to the Detroit Independent News that they analyzed each of Kid Rock's songs and found that they are actually all recycled from older songs and that they each really suck. Kid Rock recently appeared on the 700 Club to defend his coolness. Kid Rock states "I don't suck, actually I'm pretty darn cool, I think." Stories have been coming out steadily since the release of Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" that every time Kid Rock performs the "song" that Ronnie Van Zant (original lead singer for Lynard Skynard" rises from his grave and shoots himself in the head. Although Kid Rock has not formally apologized to the Van Zant family, a spokesman for Kid Rock reportedly spoke with the family on the matter. I tried to reach Kid Rock for comment yesterday. His manager told me that "The Kid was really busy out being totally RAD, and that he would pass on the message." As of 9:42pm, March 18, 2009, I have not heard from "The Kid." I guess being totally RAD takes up a lot of time.

This story was written while enjoying the fresh taste of Spartan Brand "fresh pack whole kosher baby dills"

BLOG-A-LOG

2009-03-02T18:49:00.002-05:00

BLOG-A-LOG is a new game by JasBro. This game has people blogging everytime they have a bowel movement. Is it distasteful? Yes. Is it funny? You better believe it. Here is an entry by +"eRica"+

"Today I took the most interesting poopie! It was really stinky! It was shiny and long and even had a little tale like a donkey. My boyfriend puked and broke up with me after he saw me putting this on my BLOG-A-LOG! Thanks JasBro!"

2008-09-26T11:21:00.002-04:00

Breaking news; Bush just announced that the United States is in a recession! Holy shit! Really? Just were did Bush get that idea? Bush has been saying for the last 2 years that our economy was in a slight "down turn." Slight down turn? So where has Bush been for the last 3 years?

Oh, OK, he was reading books to school children. Reminds me of something that happened a few years back. By the way, notice the position of his book. More breaking news; President Bush is illiterate!

Hi, how are you?

2008-09-05T09:36:00.003-04:00

I'm sure that everybody hears this statement at least once if not several times a day, "how are you?". How are you!?! I wonder how many people actually want to know how the person that they are asking is really doing. I mean, do they really want to know about the person's problem with irritable bowel syndrome? Or about the person's daughter that is a crack whore? I would like to try an experiment. The next time someone asks me how I'm doing I am going to answer them honestly. Example, "How are you today Amani?", "Oh, not to good Bob, I ate some bad Mexican food last night and I have horrible gas and explosive diarrhea." I want to know how many people that ask me how I am doing honestly want to know. I encourage all of you to do the same. Come on folks, we all know that we could stand a little more honesty in the world. Let's not lie anymore when people ask how we are doing.

Have a safe flight!

2008-08-26T21:27:00.004-04:00

Have you ever wondered why people say "Have a safe flight?" I have. Do these people really understand how little control the passanger has in how safe the flight is? Believe me, if the passangers had any control over how safe the flight was I would not fly. There are a lot of crazies out there and at anytime one of them might decide to make a dive. I mean just imagine a husband and wife flying together and they get into an arguement: "Keep it up Alice and I'm gonna fly right into those mountains!" or "You scumbag, you slept with my best friend!" Not a good scenario. So, let's leave it up to the pilots to make it a safe flight. I suggest that the next time a family member or friend tells you to have a safe flight that you tell them to call the pilot and tell her or him to have a safe flight. I mean really that is where the real control lies.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN PLANE CRASHES:

Stinging from bees/wasps

Slipping on ice or snow

Choking on food

Falling down stairs or off ladders

And did you know that 600 Americans are killed every year from falling out of bed. Have a safe sleep!

Tierra del Puerto or Soggy Lesbians or Good Luck Rae!

2008-06-29T22:31:00.003-04:00

I have a friend named Rachael (Squirty Dumpling). She is from Portland. Rachael has taught me a few things about Portland that are very interesting. She tells me that Portland is not always cold. I have always heard that Portland was cold and rainy all of the time. Rachael did confirm that it does rain a lot. Also she told me that Portland has one of the largest concentrations of lesbians in the country. Huh... very interesting. Thanks Rae, I feel like a much better person knowing these things. Poor Rachael has to go back to bleak cold Portland. I am lucky to live in sunny warm West Michigan. I'm glad I don't have to live with all of those soggy lesbians; but Rachael does though. Good luck Rae!

Obsessive Compulsive's Guide to Hand Washing

2008-06-07T18:48:00.003-04:00

Ok folks, do you really need somebody to tell you when to wash your hands? I mean, wasn't your mamma supposed to do that when you were a kid. Well if she didn't I have posted the below (from the great Kent County Health Department's website) for all you that were not properly educated.

It is important to wash your hands at the following times:
Starting work	Eating or drinking
Preparing food	Preparing food
Serving food	Visiting the restroom
Eating	Assisting a child in restroom
Dressing an injury	Dressing an injury
Taking a medication	Coughing or sneezing
	Wiping a child’s nose
	Changing diapers

So there you go. The complete Obsessive Compulsive Disorder's guide to hand washing. Do you really need someone to tell you that you should wash your hands after you change a shitty diaper or get done dressing an injury? Hmmm... I wonder if I should wash my hands now that I am done lancing that boil off that homeless man? I mean really? And are really supposed to go and wash our hands every time we cough? Come on, I'm a smoker, I cough like 50 times a day. If followed the advice of the Kent County Health Commission I would have raw bleeding stumps where my hands used to be.

After looking through some photos on the internet of raw bleeding stumps I came up with a really good one. I was gaging when Rachael asked me what I was doing. I told her about the photo I had found. She suggested that I just tell y'all that I found some gross photos of stumps. Ok, here you go Rachael!

Hotta than a Mama Jama

2008-06-05T22:55:00.002-04:00

You've heard it said that if you don't like the weather in Michigan just wait 5 minutes. Well, what a day it has been today in Michigan. This morning it was almost chilly and by midday it was about 85 degrees. WHEW! And boy was I happy to get home to my wife's list of chores for me to do. What a lucky man I am. It was alright though, I lost about 10lbs in water weight, got a head ache, and hurt my back carrying all the damn air conditioners up from the basement. Hell of a day. Tomorrow should be cool though, I hear we have a moderate chance of some really wicked thunderstorms! SWEET! I love thunderstorms.

This photo was taken after our thunderstorm today.

Wacko Postings

2008-05-30T23:24:00.002-04:00

Why don't my blog entries look the way that I type them? Could somebody please tell me. I have tried to edit some of them because the line spacing is all wacko. Speaking of "wacko." I am so sick of the damn tabloids messing with Michael Jackson and calling him Wacko Jacko. I mean, give it a freakin break already. I hate that name anyway, "Wacko Jacko." The freakin pretentious British gave him that nick name. How do some of these "reporters" think they would handle things if every damned step they took was scrutenized by thousands of people. Maybe they should try living through what Michael Jackson has and see if they aren't a little "off." Leave the dude alone. Probably the same punk reporters that are writing about all of his weird activities are the same punks that begged their mommies to buy them the red leather jackets with all the zippers in it back in the 80's (man those were sweet). I mean we all loved Michael back in the day, now that we are all "grown up" we want to slam the dude. Freakin reporters anyway.

Super F'ing Mario Bros.

2008-05-28T22:44:00.003-04:00

I found a great site called virtualnes.com. This is not a good thing. I was so excited when I found it. This site has every single game that NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) ever put out! I have been stuck on Super Mario Bros. for a while now. I have to admit something once and for all... I have never beat Super Mario Bros. with out a cheat in my life! There, I got it off my chest, I feel so much better now. Really, I suck at video games. I feel like I am right back where I was when I was 12 trying like hell to beat that damned game. I am stuck at level 8-3. I just can't get past it. I don't want a cheat, I just want to beat it one time on my own. Then I think I can stop playing it, and move on to another game. There aren't very many games that I have beat without a cheat. I think I beat Kung-Fu. Umm... that's about it. I am not a big "gamer." I have a PS2, but I just haven't really gotten into video games like I was when I had an NES. So for all you folks that grew up playing on the NES, this is your website. But be warned, you may find yourself spending more time than is healthy for a 30+ year old person to spend on video games.

Uncle Sam Wants YOU (to kill people)!

2008-05-27T17:31:00.004-04:00

Travel the world, see exotic lands, experience new cultures, meet interesting people and kill them!

What happened to the old days of posters of Uncle Sam? Now you see these adds on TV for the military and they show like video game simulated battle scenes.

I can just imagine some nut job that sits in his mom's basement playing the latest WWII game when he decides to take a TV break only to see an add for the US Army. "Wow, dude, that is like one kick ass video game."

Because as we all know, joystick skills translate easily to real machine guns and rifles. They may need to start a draft, because by the looks of their marketing, the Army is scaping the bottom of the barrel. Maybe some scenes from beautiful tropical Iraq would intrest those in need of a vacation?

2008-05-08T11:31:00.003-04:00

There is a new drug on the market to help people suffering from Restless Leg Syndrom (RLS). The drugs name is Requip, or ropinirole. I first heard about this drug on a TV commercial. I couldn't believe what I heard.

Of course the drug had all of the same types of side effects that most other drugs have; you know, nausea, dizziness, fainting, sweating, pretty "normal" side effects for most prescription medication. But here is where it gets weird (this is straight from the Requip website):

Some patients taking ropinirole have shown urges to behave in a way unusual for them. Examples of this are an unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges and/or behaviors. If you or your family notices that you are developing any unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor.
Hallucinations (unreal sounds, visions, or sensations) have been reported in patients taking Requip. These were uncommon in patients taking Requip for RLS. The risk is greater in patients with Parkinson’s disease who are elderly, taking Requip with L-dopa, or taking higher doses of Requip than recommended for RLS.

WTF? That's all I have to say (ok, you know better than that by now, I guess that's not all I have to say). I mean, what is RLS? RLS is a disease, again from the Requip website:

RLS is a neurological movement condition characterized by a strong, compelling urge to move the legs, often accompanied by leg twitching and uncomfortable, sometimes painful, sensations in the legs.

Is RLS bad enought that people would end up sex crazed maniacs, shooting craps in a back alley with a couple of hookers and a 40 of malt liquor? Let's take a look at that scene:

Not pretty! So, you've been warned. I think I'd live with some sleepless nights rather than a life of the above!

2008-05-04T20:01:00.004-04:00

What is the world coming to? I think I have asked that in one of my previous posts. Ok, so I heard from one of my good friends (hi Amy!) that they shot a cougar in Chicago. http://http//www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351337,00.html What? I have heard stories of wolves, and other predators moving into the cities, but a freakin mountain lion? I have a theory. Yes, I have a theory. So over the last 30+ years we have all been hearing more stories about wild animals coming into the cities around the US. And, over the last 30+ more and more folks have been trying to "save" the environment, and trying to help out the populations of these animals all over the country. Coincidence? I think not! The more cougars and shit there are, the more are going to move into the city. So the next time you are strolling in your nice safe neighborhood in the city and you get mauled by a freakin grizzly bear, blame the damn hippies. There is another theory that as the cities and suburbia grow it is forcing the wildlife to adapt to living in these urban environments and also being forced into the cities to scavenge for food because their natural habitats are being taken up by subdivisions and strip malls (oh, and Chili's). This theory should not be trusted because it was devised by hippies who only want to save nature so they have more room to grow marihuana. This devil weed was found growing in West Virginia. Save the environment my ass! Hippies won't be happy until your baby is smoking weed and then getting eaten by a damn wild boar.

The Horror that is THE HUNGER WALK

2008-05-03T10:07:00.004-04:00

So I was hanging out at my house today and I saw a bunch of people walking by all wearing white shirts. I figured they must be walking to raise money for some good cause. So Lily (my daughter) and I waved and said good morning to all of the folks that passed by. That's when it happened. I saw what their shirts said; and I was appalled. The Hunger Walk? What has our world come to? I mean, these people actually support hunger? Apparently these folks are walking to raise money for the Republican Party. That's the only thing I can think of that makes any sense. Because as we all know, whenever a Republican gets elected more people go hungry. Is hunger something we should support? Is Dick DeVos or even Dick Cheney things we should support (notice both of their names start with "DICK")? Only dicks think hunger is good. Do you think hunger is good? Let's see what hunger is:

Photographs and Ipecac

2008-04-29T21:10:00.004-04:00

Photographs and ipecac, Christmas cards you sent to me. Ah ipecac, that magic elixir of love. Nothing spells romance like a gourmet meal, a nice bottle of vintage red, and a serving of... yep, you guessed it, ipecac! There is a new trend in Japanese youth culture were young couples are going out and binging at fancy restaurants and then downing ipecac to induce vomiting. The is even and emerging subculture of high end restaurants that are springing up all over Tokyo and other large cities in Japan that offer servings of the elixir to couples after meals. The couples are then welcome to vomit in private vomitoriums located in the rear of the restaurants. Don't assume the vomitoriums are anything like restrooms, no these are plush rooms with showers, day beds and mirrors everywhere. Couples that are too weak after their experiences can request to be driven home or to their hotels. Could this trend make it's way into Europe and even here to America. Already couples from Europe and the US are traveling to Japan to have a chance to experience this strange new phenomena themselves. There is little doubt that some advantageous business person will bring this back to their home country.

Sorry folks, due to recent complaints that my photos of young Japanese kids in love are too disgusting I was forced to remove the photos. Some bitter old people can't stand to see happy young people in love.

So my blogs aren't funny?

2008-04-27T21:48:00.003-04:00

Well, somebody (I won't mention your name Amy) today told me that they thought my blog would be a lot funnier than it is (sorry Amy, I mean somebody). She or he reminded me that I sent them a funny message on Myspace. Something about stuff in Spanish and chicken feet. Lo siento! You want chicken feet and people speaking espanol, then go over to the Roosevelt Market. Ochos huevos, vatos!

Blogging is hard

2008-04-26T23:17:00.002-04:00

Well, blogging turned out harder than I had originally thought it would be. I mean, I don't always have the dang computer with me. I don't always have a pad of paper with me. Maybe I should carry around a little notepad that I can put down all my thoughts in when I'm going about my day. I mean I just come up with random shit all the time. Usually my random thoughts have something to do with goats or chickens or sex. I think I am going through a second puberty. I don't know what is going on with me. I am usually a pretty "ready" guy, but lately I am really "ready." My wife thinks I am crazy, and we just had a baby a while ago. My freakin' libido is out of control. I feel bad for her, but she's a good sport.

Everybody poops

2008-04-24T18:50:00.002-04:00

Poop is funny. Guys think that their poop is pretty cool. I know that when I take an interesting one I am very impressed. I want to show the world. Jen (my wife) used to be easy to trick and come and look at it. But now, she knows better. Now I have to make shit up to trick her into coming into the bathroom to look at it. I'll be like "ahh! I fell down, I'm hurt, come help me!" Then I'll get between her and the door and in our bathroom there is not much room and she ends up seeing the poop in the toilet. She's all like "that's really why you wanted me to come in here isn't it?" And I'm all like "but look at it, I mean look how huge it is, and see that right there, that's dinner from last night, and..." You get the point. Maybe it is gross, but I look at it as an artform. I mean, I created something. I gave birth to it. Sometimes labor can be quite extensive depending on how many salads I have been eating. Ok, I'll stop talking about poop now.

The Young Indian Jones

2008-04-21T22:41:00.002-04:00

Oh River Phoenix, why did tho have to leave us so prematurely? I remember you in Stand By Me, and Indiana Jones. I remember all of the posters in the girls lockers at school. Ok, so I never was a huge fan of River Phoenix, but he was very talented, and I really loved quite a few of his movies. Of course though I was always jealous of all the girls that were so in love with him. And poor me with my Coke bottle glasses, was left with out a girlfriend. Did I blame River, well sometimes, but I also blamed The New Kids on the Block too. I was having a conversation with a friend today and she did not know who River Phoenix was. So googled him and came up with the Wikipedia article on him. I had forgotten how many good movies he was in, and how young he had died. 23! I mean when I was 23 I was having a good time, young, married and in love, going to school, just having an all around blast. What a tragedy to throw that all away. What could have been for River? The world will never know. Rest in peace River Jude Bottom.

Mormons

2008-04-20T23:44:00.000-04:00

So do polygamists ever decide that they have too many wives? Who decides how many wives the guys can have? How many wives would I want? Yes, these are the things I think about when I am trying to sleep at night. Some days I don't really think that I would want anymore wives. I mean you know when women get together and they start bitching about their asshole husbands, well with Mormons they would all be talking about me... and that would suck. But on the other hand... ok, ahh...

Life, death, and in between

2008-04-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

I found out today that my uncle that has lung cancer may decide to stop treatment. The chemo that he has been receiving has been making him so sick that he can't eat or do much of anything. He is supposed to find out on Tuesday if the treatments are working and if not he has decided to quit all together. How does somebody make that decision? How do you decide that it is time for you to go? He told his wife and children this just the other day. Makes me look at my pack of Camels in a whole new way...

BREAKING NEWS! Dick shot his friend!

2008-04-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

Dick, Dick, Dick Cheney. He sucks. Plus he shot his friend. How good of a vice president can he be if he shot his own friend? Not very good I think. I saw a bumper sticker today that said "War In Iraq keeps American families safe." WTF? Since when does war ever make anybody safe. Violence begets violence. The person also had a cross hanging from their rear view mirror. Soooo... I wrote the person a note reminding them that Jesus said to love our neighbors and our enemies (I added "not bomb the hell out of them."). I know that the person probably just got pissed off and waded the note up and threw it away, but writing that note gave me a sense of satisfaction.

Parenting

2008-04-19T00:45:00.000-04:00

No one can survive parenting. All parents die in the end. Some folks think it is sad that after mating some insects die. The baby insect grows until it is ready to live on it's own. It will grow up and mate and die also. Really is that so bad? I mean, mating is really fun. And then you die. I think that's how I want to go.

Goats

2008-04-19T00:36:00.000-04:00

I love goats. They are such playful animals. I am very playful. I am an animal. Therefore, I am a goat. I used to have a nickname, it was Goatboy. I had a goatee. I at a lot of stuff. And I liked to play. Some folks say that a he goat is a very smelly thing. They are large and hairy. I am large and hairy. If I don't shower, and it is hot, I too am a very smelly thing. This is all I have to say about goats for now. Check back later for more information on art, politics, social issues, world issues, and goats.